Confession

To those of you who I have misled into thinking that "Marianne is having such a great time in France!", I lied.

To those of you at home (wherever that is), at Wellesley, at work, at church, who might be thinking that I have forgotten all about you and don't need you and don't care about our friendship: please don't believe it.

To those of you who think that study abroad is a break from school: prepare to dive into real life and swim as fast as you can.

Recently, a conversation gave me the opportunity to summarize the past three weeks:
":) Hope France is going well :)"
"Thanks! It's harder than I expected it to be, but God is good! =)" I replied, trying to sound positive.
"Harder academically, or what?"

"Harder everything really. 

Relationally, it’s been hard to forge close intimate friendships with the time given and the relatively more closed French culture. I've also had a hard time getting along with one of my closer friends who has hurt me a lot since we got to France and has refused to apologize for any of it but becomes defensive or nonchalant each time we talk about it.

Academically, it's been straining and discouraging too. The classes have been disappointing and very long (3 hours each) but at the same time I can't seem to be able to write a French essay the way it should be written (they have a very strict structure). I recently switched out of one of my literature courses because it was just too disorganized, the professor hardly taught anything, and the books and one film we discussed had to do with homosexuality, pederasty, men raping infants, betrayal of people and of owns own country, and all-around blasphemy. As much as I tried to read the books from the point of view of a literary critique, I found myself shouting "shut up" every two pages of one of the books. 

Spiritually, I have been okay. God has been sustaining me although I often feel like He loves and blesses other people more than He loves me, especially the friend or sister in Christ whom I don't talk to anymore, whom people at the French church seek out by asking me. Sometimes, when I'm tilting my buttocks up in the air to avoid sitting on the toilet-seat-less and soap-less toilets at the university, I evaluate my life and feel like I'm in Hell. But, sometimes, I'm just so happy to be away from everything and alone with God in this desert, this hiding place, where only God only witnesses everything. I feel like God has made this time in France a time for Him to get rid of a lot of my fears, pride, selfish ambitions and desires. I think that, through these disappointments by friends and human beings and how none of my friends can help me when I need help, He wants me to depend on Him and Him alone, to find my source of strength and comfort and confidence in Him, to step out in faith in Him and not in myself and definitely not in other people. With that said, I find it very tempting to simply trust no-one which is no better than trusting everyone. 

All in all, God is answering my prayers, which I prayed without knowing their impact and seriousness. Right now, I just want a break or a chance to start over or a way to get out of the sticky situations I've squeezed myself into. And above all I would love a renewed passion for the French language and French culture. 

Luckily, I'm going on a church retreat with the English-speaking international church this weekend so I'm praying that i will come back refreshed and recharged and rejoicing, ready to tackle my first midterm (3 hours) and finish up the last 10 weeks in France with a bang."*

Voila, my real study abroad experience. Off to pack now. In two hours, I will have wings to fly away from this cage, this broken rollercoaster stuck in mid-air, this choke on a fish-bone, this burp while you're sneezing, this cough while you're yawning, this constipation, this numbness and lackluster passivity of heart, mind, and soul. 

God, start the engine. God, rekindle the flame. God, breathe life into me.

*Edited